I like music movies, forests, and oceans. I have been camping since before I could walk. I took horseback riding lessons as a child so when did my horse wander off the trail?
I began drinking at age 14. I would steal money from my parents to buy alcohol on the weekends and drink and drive. I have four DUIs. It was after my third DUI that I was told I had schizoaffective disorder with bipolar.
By age 50 I was yelling at my neighbor’s and getting arrested for disorderly conduct. In my mind, I was an adult man when I drank. I told myself that, but I wasn’t one. I didn’t pay bills, had no kids, no mortgage to pay. I was irresponsible and I didn’t have the nerve to admit it.
When my mom and dad divorced they tried to get me to go to therapy. They said I needed help but I determined, irresponsibly, that only children or broken people go talk to therapists. Eventually, I agreed to go to the therapist. I tried to present to her an image that I’ve been holding for years. One of greatness and coolness. She told me I was in denial.
I was a spinning wheel. You all know the theory of a spinning wheel. A spinning wheel that spins around its own center only throws out anything you place there so don’t place what you hold dear there like your heart and soul. I didn’t realize I needed care from others. I thought I could be my own caring friend. My ego was bigger than my reality.
Finally, I got to Eastern State hospital thanks to Fayette Mental Health Court intervening and getting me that help. I have learned my problems make me human and that’s a whole lot better than great and cool. I used drinking to escape who I am. Now that I am sober I can recognize in myself the call of a person hurting and not numb the pain, but call my brother and listen to his calm caring love for me. Or I can help a person with issues of their own by lending an ear. That is when I know love is real and not just something adults do. It’s what hearts do.
Now, years later I can love myself with all my faults.
It is more rewarding to see my faults and know I can accept them, rather than looking at an outward characteristic and say that I’m invincible. I’m going to keep working and going to Participation Station and making friends. I would like to have a career using my math skills like engineering where I can solve puzzles.
Until then I would like to leave you with the words of a song that is a favorite of mine and many of you to Johnny Nash wrote:
“I can see clearly now the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind it’s going to be a bright bright sunshiny day.”
