I was raised as a half city/half country boy, going on many hiking and camping trips and attending many UK games. My favorite thing to do in the world is to wander a new forest path with my dog. When I’m not working as a server waiting tables, you can find me watching sports or lounging in my hammock in the park. My parents were both lawyers during my childhood, so I was definitely raised with a certain structure to my life.
My parents divorced when I was four years old, which meant the structure wasn’t always aimed towards the same goal. This caused issues with relationships. I never had a problem making friends, but always felt as if I didn’t fit in. Around the age of 13, I found marijuana. Smoking was my escape from the world of feelings. I began to smoke more regularly in high school and noticed more people around me did too. I then discovered that if I sold weed, I could smoke all I wanted and people would want to hang out with me. I put this into practice for several years through school. My inevitable first arrest came when I was 18 for conspiracy to traffic marijuana. Growing up with lawyer parents, this was probably the worst thing I could have done. I felt like a disappointment and an embarrassment. This is when my depression hit a new low.
On probation and unable to cope using my drug of choice, I turned to alcohol. I hung out with people who drank all day. I would isolate myself for days at a time and drink my pain away. I was mad at the world and it came out with the alcohol. I would take my anger out on the walls and the people around me. It was an endless cycle of shame, depression, and hopelessness. I continued this cycle through six more years and two more arrests. I contemplated suicide hundreds of times, thinking I was a burden to my family and anyone with whom I came into contact. The feeling of shame was so heavy because I felt I had no excuse. I was raised well and the things that happened to me were the consequences of my own actions. I had never felt so alone. I wondered why I screwed everything up.
It took me a long time to accept that I was an anxious, depressed alcoholic. I knew deep down inside, but I couldn’t bring myself to face reality. When I started attending AA, it was the first time in my life that I didn’t feel like the black sheep. In one of my first meetings, a man asked me, “When are you going to stop trying to change your past? It’s impossible.” That is when it finally clicked that the past doesn’t define me. I learned that I am not alone in these feelings and that I can overcome them. Now that I have accepted that I will always be an alcoholic, I can change my actions to avoid the cycle of depression and using. Depression and anxiety are not an excuse for me to make bad choices. My recovery is a badge of honor that I wear proudly as I make it through each day.
My dad and my girlfriend have always been unwavering in their support for me. Without their help, I would definitely not be where I am today. I use mindfulness practices. Yoga and meditation have been keys to my treatment, keeping my mind and body centered and grounded. AA meetings and regular therapy also help me immensely. The biggest key to my success in coping with my illness has been establishing and keeping a regular routine. I keep a good sleep schedule. My routine allows me to be aware of all that needs to be done and gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride as a result.
Since starting recovery I’ve had many successes. I hold down a job, I have an apartment with my girlfriend, and I pay my own bills. Being able to do these ‘normal’ things has made me so much happier. My parents even tell me they are proud of me! For the first time in my life, I’m making goals and looking to the future. I plan to start school to become an electrician. My recovery isn’t finished. I will be in recovery for the rest of my life. It isn’t a straight path, but the places I’ve been along that road have led me to be a better me.
